last night climbing out of my window onto the roof ledge as our anger cools. feels like the entire world and all of its problems are turning over and over again in a tornado in my head and i can't seem to analyze any of it. i watched as our smoke chased white moths.
my room is strewn with our things. your toothbrush and nametag and tin of altoids. your watch resting on my desk says 10:46. my stuffed animals piled between the bed and the closet. a camera that i never find the heart and time to use anymore. my high school schedule that leaves me undaunted, while all my friends are going on and on about our last year. this doesn't feel final yet. maybe i just don't spend enough time thinking about tomorrow. just another morning. i don't even know what i'm fucking good at. i have so much pent up emotion inside me these days and i don't know where to put it. these words come out sounding stagnant and artificial and untrue to the feeling in my heart.
let me try. there is a tension buried deep in me and every day i try to surface it and i end up feeling so disabled. because it is like trying to read a highway sign that you are swiftly passing.
i lose passion in everything and my head hurts. somebody please tell me what is wrong with me. i just want to be alone when i am held by the person who loves me most. i just turn to the wall. i wish i could figure out my head.
sometimes i indulge in fantasies that involve me shedding all of my obligations. coquetting my way into trouble and walking out the door without leaving a name. assuming some identity because i don't know my own. seperating emotion from sex because i am not that good at love. keeps it safe that way.
every song that comes on starts to get old and you give me such looks when you wake up. lying belly down on my bed. i don't know what to make of these. i turn up the volume.